Onward and Upward

Barbara died in January of 2002.

During her illness I was introduced to the idea of RAW foods. After her death I was given the book “Nature’s First Law”. That book sat on a bakers rack for a year. Even though I didn’t necessarily consciously notice it, I did walk by it at least once a day. When I did notice it I would think, “I need to read this book”.

Finally I picked it up. Then it took me 8 months to finish it!! Now it isn’t a big book and the concepts are not complicated, but the tone is strident and at times it can feel as if you are being hit over the head with a basball bat. The authors were young men, full of fire and out to change the world. If you read what they are writing today, you will find that the tone has softened. I would not recommend this book today. In fact it is not published anymore. There are now many more books to choose from to learn about the RAW foods lifestyle that invite you to learn, rather than accuse you of ignorance.

In February of 2004, I finished Nature’s First law, bought a couple of RAW recipes books and in March, told my husband that when he got home from a weekend trip to Seattle, there would be no cooked food in the house.

Now, he was fine with that. I had been talking to him about the concepts and he was on board with it all. He is the type of person who just wants it to happen and be directed as to what the next move is.

So while he was gone I threw away all the open food and took the rest to the food bank. Now I have come to find you that going RAW overnight may have not been the best strategy, but here we are….

Good Bye

Our friend asked me if I realized what had just happened and at that moment it hadn’t dawned on me what had occurred. She said that she felt Napoleon had come to support me. After that moment things went back to normal for him. He was still leery of trusting us and would not allow us to touch him all over his body.

But in that moment, he was there for me and it was very special.

Early the next morning I had a dream. Barbara and I were standing high up in an open valley that led down to the sea. The understanding was that we were looking down onto Ventura where her apartment was. She was very agitated and telling me that she had to get home. When I looked into the valley again it was flooded and I knew her place was under water.

I woke up and knew something was going to happen. I looked at the clock, noted the time and fell back into an uneasy sleep. I called her daughter as early as possible in the morning to find out what was going on. Barbara was on morphine and had a restless night but seemed to be resting easy.

I was not surprised to get the call at noon saying she had died. It was sudden. She had gotten up and was in the living room with some family and friends. She stood up to go to the bathroom, fell to the floor and was gone.

My older sister called me in complete hysteria. She had not really understood or wanted to believe that Barbara would die. I felt helpless and so very sad for everyone down there.

Don’t get me wrong, I was sad that Barbara was gone. But I tend to go into the “take care of the living” mode in these situations. Barbara’s death still affects me everyday. I have made major changes in my life that are directly related to her life and death.

About a year later I had another dream. My office was asked to remodel a toilet room for a business in the same building. I went there to survey the existing conditions. There was Barbara! We were working in the same building, but I didn’t know it. She was happy with her new job and living in Boise. I was upset that she had not gotten in touch with me before now. She said she wanted to get moved in and settled before she told me she was there. I was irritated, but happy to see her. She was very happy and peaceful. I woke up from that dream with a big sigh and a little sadness.

Barbara

So that is the story of our “first” horse. We have four now and they each have their special stories. But what does that have to do with the changes in my life?

In the time when we owned Napoleon before he went to Jeff’s, I learned a very close friend was dying. She had colon cancer, had treated it both conventionally and holistically, had a brief stage of remission, but it had now progressed into her abdomen.

Barbara was my older step-sister’s best friend.

Digressing a moment here, my family dynamics would take a separate Blog and probably another 53 years to explain…so I won’t get into the detail….Trust me, although interesting, it is convoluted at best.

I had known her since I was 13 and in a crazy turn of events, she fell in love and married my sister’s father, had 3 children and then divorced him. The kids, my step-brother and sisters were all in their 20’s when she fell ill.

Also at this time I was reading Linda Kohanov’s books, The Tao of Equs and Riding Between the Worlds. I was beginning to have an understanding how a horse in your life does not just mean a thing to ride. You can have them in your life just to be connected to them. There was a spiritual connection possible. I was also discovering that I was a spiritual person.

One evening in January we were out at the stables with a friend. We were in the covered, but not enclosed arena walking Napoleon while she rode. It was cold, but the wind wasn’t blowing so not too bad. I got a call on my cell and it was Barbara’s oldest daughter. Barbara was in bad shape. Her abdomen was distended and she was in pain. She had been staying with her father and had decided to go home and have hospice come in.

6 weeks before this moment, Barbara found out the cancer had come back. Her mother vowed she would not see another daughter die. Barbara’s younger sister had been hit and killed as she walked along the street by a drunk driver 20 years earlier. Within 2 weeks she had willed herself to die. In another two weeks one Barbara’s closest friends died of brain cancer.

I live in Idaho and this part of my family lives in the Los Angeles area. I could not imagine what the energy was like there and all I could do was to be as much support as possible. It was tragic. I mean tragic like you read about in Gothic novels or see in the movies. I still shake my head at the pain and suffering that went on in that short period of time.

So there I am in the middle of the arena, 8:00 at night, 38º, talking to Barbara’s oldest about what would happen next. I knew it would be better for me to make the trip after she was gone, but it seemed imminent and so I was trying to get a sense of when to book the travel.

Joe and I had come to the stable that night to work with Napoleon. He would not let us handle his feet with any regularity, nor would he allow us to touch him all over. So we would do what we could and move a little further each time we were with him. Because our friend was riding her horse in the arena at the same time it created a little more tension. At the time of the call Joe was walking him around introducing him to various spooky spots.

I was completely focused on the call and did not even notice when Napoleon guided Joe towards me, stopped in front of me and allowed me to rest my elbows on his back while I talked. I remember clearly his warmth and I stroked his hair and scratched him just as if he was one of the “broke” horses.
During the call, I realized that no one in LA had really come to grips with the fact that Barbara was going to die. I had known since the day she told me 1½ years earlier. And it was not so much that they didn’t believe she would die from this, but that in her current condition she would be going home and months later she would die. It was not for me to enlighten my sister at that moment and as I hung up the phone and turned to tell Joe what was transpiring, Napoleon walked off and stood by Joe.

As I came out of my concentration, I looked at Joe and our friend and they were staring at me with mouths open.
TBC……

Logan Darkstar

Joe did have enough sense not to tell me he had already paid for a horse, for me, that I had not yet seen. Instead he told me about Napoleon. After I agreed that leaving him with Jeff was the best option for him, I asked, "So now what?" I don’t have a horse…

Now let’s fall back a little. I had it in my mind that I wanted a “horse of color”. Of course, I knew color was only skin deep and that it was the horse that mattered, but still, I made more calls and went to see more paints, appys, buckskins and palominos, than chestnuts and bays. I also had it in mind a Morgan would be a good choice.

OK, so Joe says that Jeff has a really nice gelding needing a home and that he is a Morgan/Mustang. That sounded good, but what color was he? Bay. Ugh! Joe tells me Jeff really likes this horse and thinks he would be a good match. He is even willing to put an additional 30 days on him to make sure he is ready to go.

Ok, Ok that is a good deal.....let’s go see him.....but I am still thinking, bay…ugh!

I walked up to Logan and was smitten. My minds eye had never pictured this horse for me, but he was perfect. Sweet, beautiful, just the right size, just the right age and he even seemed to like me!!

Then Joe told me he had already paid for him. Sneaky devil…

So, any idea what my favorite color is now?? Every Bay horse I see is the most beautiful horse in the pasture....funny that.

Logan is a medium bay with black points and three white feet. He has a wide white blaze and his left eye has white sclera. When you are regarded by this eye it is magical. In his blaze is a dark star. I have not seen another horse with this type of marking and so in true romantic fashion I christened him, Logan Darkstar.

Logan is my peanut M&M. A Morgan&Mustang with nothing plain about him.

The top picture is of him on his first day home, after his extra 30 days...it coincided with my birthday.